The following pitch was made to 20th Century Fox in summer of 1998 following the success of Baz Luhrmann’s adaptation of the William Shakespeare’s classic love story. The name of the writer has been suppressed for legal reasons… mostly.
INT. MOVIE STUDIO OFFICE – DAY
Okay, we hear you have a pitch for us. Romeo + Juliet II? Okay… Let’s hear it.
(Sniffling the last remaining bit of cocaine left in his nostrils from his bump in the hallway)
OKAY! Well… Picture this: The last thing we see in the first film is Juliet shooting herself in the head after Romeo drinks the poison, right? RIGHT!?! Well, turns out that Romeo wasn’t dead right? He was like, in a super coma and shit. So at the end of the movie, when they’re burying the bodies, the dude is still alive! But like he’s in a coffin! So we delve into the experience of Romeo’s fear of being buried alive, but even worse than that, he has no idea that Juliet shot herself. He like thinks she’s still alive ya know? So now we really dive into the fear of being buried alive and shit. So now, Romeo remembers something the old priest guy taught him. It called Trans dental…wait, no… Trans AM Fentanyl…yeah Trans Seminal meditation right? He can like project his soul into the ether, so like for the rest of the movie, we’re not on earth but in the realm of subconscious right? RIGHT?!?
Now, I know what you’re thinking , we’re taking this trip with Romeo but like where the hell is Juliet, right? So the Idea is that Juliet’s body is dead, but her soul is eternal bro, ya know? And it just so happens that Romeo’s projected consciousness is in the same metaphysical realm as Juliet’s soul!! Can you dig it?? Now, it’s not all fun and games in the realm though. You see, all the souls that were lost because of Romeo and Juliet’s forbidden love are in the realm with them. Tybalt, Mercutio, Paris…
Wait wait Wait… Paris doesn’t die in the film.
Aw Shit Man! Haven’t you read the original text? Paris totally gets skewered by Romeo in the play, so I guess we show like a flashback and shit, where Paris tries to stop Romeo in the church and like, whatever man! Anyways, the souls are in the realm, and they’re mad as hell. Why? Because in the realm, you have no dick.
You have no dick?
Of course not! It’s the realm man! Sex doesn’t exist in the realm. Only love exists, love and hate man! Anyways, Romeo is in the realm looking for Juliet. He can hear her voice, but he can’t see her! As he makes his way through the labyrinth of the realm, he finds himself in front of a large church, and man, this church is creepy and shit. He goes inside and you know who’s there?? The soul of Mercutio! He sees Romeo and is like, “A plague on your house! I want my dick back!” Then they Karate Fight!
Karate Fight? Listen, I’m not sure where this is going, but I don’t think there were karate fights in Shakespeare’s work.
Look man. You guys made a Shakespeare flick with the guy from the Super Mario Brothers movie and and Paul Fucking Rudd. You don’t think that kids of today don’t want to see Leonardo DiCaprio karate fight a ghost in the realm??
So like, we see this insane karate fight. Romeo and Mercutio do these crazy karate moves while the camera zips around them in slow motion, then like speeds up, then like slows down, then like speeds up…they fly around and kick each other and … I don’t know man. Maybe you’re right. This is 1998, I don’t think people are ready for karate fights with crazy camera moves and super slow motion shit, especially dealing with metaphysical realms and false realities… anyways. Romeo defeats Mercutio, and as he lays dying…again… he whispers, “A plague on both your houses… I just wanted my dick back.” and….he dies.
Suddenly, the ground begins to shake! It cracks open, and from the opening in the ground, up rises the soul of Juliet! Like angel wings and everything man, it is some beautiful shit! The two embrace and kiss and like say “I love you” and all of that. Juliet is like, “Romeo, you found me! How doth did thou find me, and shit?”
Romeo is like all, “Your love is like a beacon in the night, and it doth guided me hence, and shit”.
Anyways, Juliet explains that because she is dead, she can never leave the realm, and because Romeo is alive, only his astral projection is there. You see man, unless he dies he can’t stay there with her. So he’s like, Julie baby I gotta go die and shit! They kiss, like they KISS and shit, and Romeo pulls himself back to the real world, but he’s gotta die now and shit. He can like wait until he runs out of air in the coffin, but he’s so in love with Juliet and wants to be with her so badly that he starts banging his head against the coffin lid, like trying to bash his brains in and shit, ya know? But, and man I tell you what, the priest hears the banging from the coffin! He opens the lid and pulls Romeo out! Romeo lives! The priest is like “Damn Romeo! You alive and shit?”
Romeo is like, “Man I need to die again. Juliet is waiting for me, but I gotta die! I need to be a ghost and shit!” The priest is all like, whatever. He does this karate move, like this karate move that hits pressure points and shit and Romeo just like BAM! HITS THE GROUND right?? RIGHT??
So now we’re back in the realm. It’s all snowy and shit. Juliet is waiting for Romeo, who is dead now, for real this time. He’s like ready to be with Juliet forever, he’s like “Juliet, alas we have found PEACE and shit.”
Then out of the darkness, we here a voice say…”PEACE? I hate the word. As I hate hell… all Montagues…and Thee…. I just want my dick back!”
It’s the ghost of Tybalt man! He pulls out this big sword and shit and Romeo is all like HELL YEAH and pulls out a sword and shit and two of them are like WHACK WHACK WHACK and shit and Romeo does a spinny shit and is like SLASH SLASH and Tybalt’s arms fall off and there’s like blood and shit and…. it’s over. Tybalt’s ghostly remains lie in a bloody pile on the floor. Romeo drops his sword and shit and runs to Juliet. “Alas Julie Baby, we can doth live together and shit.” They kiss and kiss and kiss and Juliet is like, “Romeo, how I loveth thee! Maketh love to me and shit!”. He goes to unbuckle his pants and realizes… FADE TO BLACK. Well Man! That’s it! That’s the pitch! What do you think?
Well… it’s interesting. I’ll have to run it past a few of my colleagues. In the meantime, good luck on your current project Mr. Tarantino, I’m looking forward to seeing this Jackie Black or whatever it’s called. Good Day Sir.
The End…. Until Next Time!